This interview was originally posted in May 2016 on The Stockroom Blog, written by Chris Hall.
You might recognize Hudsy Hawn from the four million views and counting popular Buzzfeed video, "The Try Guys TRY BDSM,” or the E! Entertainment TV Special “The Real 50 Shades of Grey”or A & E’s “Storage Wars.” And while Hudsy has shared her kink views in Playboy and Cosmopolitan, and on The Jason Ellis and Straight Talk with Ross Mathews radio shows, her real passion is to share sex positive education with all couples, and show the healing benefits BDSM can give to any relationship. We sat down with The Stockroom’s Head Mistress and learned more about this Saturday’s Stockroom University event, FemDom 101.
CH: Can you give me an overview of what you're going to be teaching?
HUDSY:I've had people ask me over the years, "How do you become a Dominatrix?" And after hearing the question so many times, I finally decided to actually have an event where I could go through the steps from A to Z to how a person should get started. One of the things I strongly suggest (and some Dom’s may disagree with me) is that you should try to begin your BDSM journey as a bottom. Even if you're not submissive, you should have that initial experience to grow from. How else are you going to know what your partner or client wants or needs, or how they feel or react to things? So the class is going to start with that, and we're going to work our way up and down the many roads to “DomHood” success, if you will.
CH: So how did you become a Dominatrix?
HUDSY: I fell into BDSM by accident. Eleven years ago I was going through a painful divorce and I accidentally met a male Dom online. I didn't even know that he was a Dom until he ordered me to my knees. I was shocked yet exhilarated, while discovering something that felt very freeing to me. It reminded me of my value during a tough time but once that was over, I still felt like I wanted to keep going. So I started going to the clubs, meeting people, and then several years later after a handful of D/s relationships, I found myself in the “Pro” world. First as a sub, then as a switch, then when I felt I was truly ready, as a Domme. And I've kept at it because it's really done something for my self-esteem and my worth, and I love helping people. It seems to be a very therapeutic way of getting to know ourselves. We are sensual creatures and our sexuality shows us what makes us tick. BDSM isn’t always about pain or sex, but it seems to help us get to those answers about ourselves quicker than anything else I've ever experienced.
CH: How would you say that it's helped your self-esteem?
HUDSY: Well, I used to be very self-conscious growing up, so as a woman I didn't think I was much to look at. Then, when I started going to the dungeon parties as a person who identified as submissive, all these men kept coming up to me asking me to top them. They were asking if I would be their Mistress and I remember being shocked. I had no idea how I came across in the world. I always pictured myself as this quiet shy ingenue, yet I was actually this colorful, larger than life character with a very strong vibration, and that realization really helped me understand how I'm perceived, and how even if we don't agree with those first impressions, they can be used in our own favor. It's great for confidence and for learning how to take care of others as well. It can be healing, and I also learned a great deal about men, which is something I lacked growing up.
CH: What did you learn about men?
HUDSY: Well, I learned that -- and this isn't true of all men, but -- but 90 percent of my clients have been male and in the professional commercial dungeons they were cis, hetero-based men, and I find that there's a lot of pressure on men to be everything to everyone. Men are frowned upon if they feel feminine, or if they get emotional or cry, if they want to try sissification, if a man comes out; any of these things and more, they're very judged by society, and I feel like when a man has the courage to come to a Dominatrix and share all his fears and desires, it's very inspiring. Some of my best times in session have been working with men who enjoy cross-dressing. What I see in that moment is a man who is more courageous and brave than any average guy I have met out in the vanilla world. To one person, that might seem like they're choosing a weak role, or being submissive or small, but in actuality, they're the largest person in the room when they commit to that type of fantasy or role-play.
CH: You told me about your own path to becoming a Dominatrix; when somebody is looking at this for the first time and says, "Yeah, I'd like to become a femdom," what are the first steps you'd advise them to take?
HUDSY: The first thing you need to do is ask yourself, "Why do I want to do this?" and figure out if your reasons are going to benefit not just you, but the people you play with. What is your goal? Why do you want this? If your answers are that you like hitting people for money, then you're not getting into the right business. You should become a boxer. To get started, you really do need to do the research. You need to read the right books, you need to also get involved with the local community if you can. If you're private and don't want to be “out”, you can still engage people that you want to become; you find those role models -- people who have achieved what you’d like to and ask if you can mentor with them. There are a lot pro and lifestyle doms who love the opportunity to have someone help them with the things they don't have time for, in exchange for educating them. In the workshop, I'm actually going to mention a list of people in the area who I think are exceptional for your knowledge and mentorship. The most important thing is patience and education, because if you're just going to go buy a latex dress, a paddle and decide to put up a craigslist ad, you're going to be in for a risky and rude awakening.
CH: So what are some common mistakes that people make when just starting out?
HUDSY: If you have the wrong intentions or you just want to be a financial Domme tomorrow and you go buy the leather, latex, boots and toys and put up an ad -- you’ll have no idea what the toy you're using can really do to someone, and you’ll have no idea how to use it. A youtube tutorial will not show you how every human being is going to react. You're also engaging in unsafe practice by having strangers come to your home or places that aren't licensed and insured. You're risking your own safety and theirs. The things that people do wrong is that everybody wants to do this like, yesterday. BDSM Icons like Isabella Sinclaire, Snow Mercy, Midori and Mistress Melissa (to name a few I admire) -- These women have been around a very long time; they've paid their dues and they did their homework a long time ago. And yet, some well known professional and lifestyle Dom/Dommes will still attend occasional classes and conventions, learning from educators they admire and respect. They’re never too big to feel they can’t always learn more, and that's part of why they've been and are still so very successful.
CH: What would you say are the misconceptions that people have about femdommes?
HUDSY: I think the first misconception many of my vanilla friends have had is that I'm a prostitute with a whip or I’m beating people up; that I'm pulling out a cane or a flogger, or some painful instrument and just hurting people. There are certain clients who prefer a sadist; I have one client in particular who likes me to torment and push him, but it's certainly not the norm. Most of the pro work that you'll see out there is where someone has a fantasy and they want to do improvisational role-play. For me working at a dungeon was the best Meisner acting class in the world. Sanford Meisner talked about only giving what you get -- you only react to what you're handed. A lot of times actors will do these repeat exercises where you keep saying the same word or phrase back and forth to your partner over and over, until it becomes not just robotic repetition, but instead, something organic and real, and the same can be true of a really good BDSM scene. Like, if the sub looks up at you and they're truly breaking down, they're having an emotional moment; you're not going to pick up a flogger and start to hit them. That isn't what they need in that moment. You're probably going to comfort them or give them aftercare.
CH: How would you describe your style of femdom? What's your persona and style of domination?
HUDSY: Well, because I have a true switch's heart, I tend to be more of a nurturing domme. I'm always reflecting the submissive's experience in a maternal yet powerful way. My style is more geared toward the flow of the two partners. So if a client or a play partner asks me to do something, I will do it if it's not a hard limit for me, but I tend to want to have it happen improvisationally or intuitively rather than the bottom leading us through the whole thing. I am the Top, after all! Usually they'll go over some requests of what they want to happen, and if I agree with most of them, I'll figure out a way to move them into the scene in a natural way, rather than "here's my checklist."
CH: Will you be talking about some of the more practical matters? How to promote yourself, legal considerations, and so on?
Yes, PR is my strong suit! And we will cover the best ways to get yourself out there and how to protect yourself from any wrong moves.
CH: Any last thoughts that you’d like to give our readers about being a Domme?
HUDSY: Yes, I really want to emphasize that this isn't about the Domme; it's really about working with your partner on what they need. It has nothing to do with the Top getting what they want. That's the big error in the Pro world too; The biggest misconception is that you think that this is going to be all about you being a Goddess. No, it's going to be about you being there for the sub. Once you realize, accept and live that, you will know is this role of power and responsibility is truly for you.